can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
