I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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