I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
