just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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