You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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