Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
