Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i came on her dog
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
