bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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