It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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