I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
