Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
