dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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