I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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