How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
