in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
