I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
