Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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