Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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