Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
