i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
