We're facebook friends in real life
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
