He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
