omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
