Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
