thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
