The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
