she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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