my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
