He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
