I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
