apparently the secret to your success is patron
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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