I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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