This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
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