I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
