he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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