I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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