I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
