I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
