She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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