Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
