We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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