he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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