Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
