Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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