nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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