I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
