apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
