just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
