im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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