Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
