The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
