Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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